This is Rumor Control, Here are the Facts…

This is Rumor Control, Here are the Facts…
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Right now the internet is run on cat images, animated .gifs, image memes and an ever churning cauldron of tweets, facebook updates, and youtube links. But in the late 90s, when the internet was still on wobbly legs like a little baby faun, wide-eyed and full of porn .jpegs on Usenet, what really made everything go was Star Wars rumors.

This is a fundamental truth of the internet. People might say it was the porn, or the Metallica .mp3s, or pictures of Teri Hatcher swaddled seductively in a Superman cape, but I know. I was there. And I can guarantee you – it was Star Wars news.

I came up in that era. I did dirt in that era. I got hip-deep in the muck, elbow-deep in the filth, panning for pre-release nuggets like 49ers used to wade into muddy waters, hungry for gold. I was not alone in the slightest; I wasn’t even a major player: An entire cottage industry sprang up, dedicated almost solely to finding out what would happen in the new Star Wars movies before they came out. Aint it Cool News was born of that muck, most film blogging as we know it crawled out of that mire; hell, became what it is today during that evolutionary period, thanks to a select few, pulled out of the internet’s primordial blogging soup and given legitimate jobs at Lucasfilm.

And even now, in 2013, almost a decade after the last Star Wars movie was theatrically released, even the hint of Star Wars news will drop the entire internet back into that mode.

This is where I come in.

Once a month, I will swoop into your earholes, and I will be equal parts wet blanket and imagination trampoline. I will tell you why that rumor you just heard is total garbage, and why that other rumor you heard just might have the tiniest shot at plausibility. I’ll kick the tires on your favorite theories, take ’em for a run around the block, and let you know whether you backed the right horse, or whether you just swallowed one hell of a lemon.

Now, I’m probably gonna end up stepping on at least one of your nerves, if not outright jumping up and down on some of the more sensitive ones. But the good news is when I’m wrong, you get to let me know, at full volume, and I’ll have no choice but to hork down as many platefuls of crow as necessary.

And that’s part of the fun of Rumor Control. This is a segment for kids who don’t wanna open their presents before Christmas, but have no problems shaking the hell out of those boxes under the tree. The speculation, the debunking, the confirming, getting a hazy glimpse at the shape of things to come; the destination is a midnight screening in 2015, but the journey? That’s more than half the fun, and it’s only as fun as we make it.

Let’s go.

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One comment

  1. I haven’t seen that Teri Hatcher picture in years, i’m glad you linked it because I was about to search for it.

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